the perfect cooling weather just seems too good to waste ..

guess where I am?
couldn't be happier :D

where has the joy gone? the joy, the simple happiness. that relaxed feeling. the feeling when I sigh and everything really does go away. now, all I want to do is turn away from that source. so I guess this is how the cookie crumbles.

".. i'm not saying that it’s not good to be hardworking. it’s just that people exist in such different ways, and sometimes forcing a change is just so futile and possibly damaging. one of my high school classmates told me the other day how he thought i’d changed so much from the person who used to have a 40% attendance rate in school, and who would walk into class halfway into the school day, happily wearing pink scrunchies and a uniform skirt that was 4 inches shorter than what it should be. he also told me that he was talking to another of our classmates, and how she simply didnt believe that i’ve become so intense about my academics since i got here. i rolled my eyes, and said, yeah, she never has anything nice to say about me. but he shook his head and said — ‘no, right after that she said “but then su ann is the type of person who doesnt have to study hard to get good grades”‘.

i think once upon a time that was true. but then i got here, this wretched university, where everyone was top of their class, valedictorian of their high school, wants to take graduate or PhD level classes, is aiming for summer internships at the biggest and baddest firms — and no one ever stops to help. we were all so used to being the best and the most talented, but now that we’re here and everyone is just as good or even better, we get scared and start clawing our way hard to be ahead of the curve. it’s so exhausting. i liked it at first because it was challenging, but now i detest it because it’s changed me into someone i cant even recognize. it’s changed me into someone who went to see a doctor for muscle pains not because she couldnt sleep properly, or that she was worried about her health — but because it was affecting her ability to write fast for a time-constrained exam. i dont want to worry about where i am relative to everyone else. i dont want to feel suicidal after every exam. i dont want to have the answer key to problem sets, but refuse to copy it because i ‘want to learn things the right way’. i want to be lazy hazy and rainy. i want to flake off and borderline flunk out college. i want to major in something that has no ‘market value’. i wanna take advantage of this amazing city! and see everything! i wanna fly to london on a whim. i want to go to pittsburgh. there are so many things to do and so little time. do perfect scores in problem sets answer any real questions in life?"

- http://quaintly.net/2009/11/14/in-search-of-sunrise/

so this is how it goes, pretentious bastard.

"eh, do you want hokkien noodles for supper?"

"what, NOW?"

"yes la, now!"

"aren't you full from dinner?"

"errrr .."

"I want all the other stuff! like the lala and fishcakes and the crayfishhhhhh."

"huh? the noodles?"

"I'll eat some la, but I want the other stuff!"

"so we go there and you eat everything, EXCEPT the noodles?"

and that was how we had supper at 2am last night! ;)
thanks dad for driving out to the shop just to fill our tummies MUAH MUAH!

HEHEE, what an awesome fulfilling meal it was indeed. yes I know my big sissy is craving for Hokkien noodles as well mmmm! few more months yeh? so we were felt very full and contented and happy last night. slept at 3am (to allow the food to go down as much as possible), and SURPRISE SURPRISE I woke up at 9am today! was quite wide awake as well. stayed in bed, reading and enjoying the cloudy weather mmm :D today was a perfect Sunday morning, and it was well spent - lazing around doing nothing, talking (or yabbering) on the phone with Kache, reading the newspapers, going online, enjoying the peace and quiet clouding the neighbourhood which can only be achieved on a Sunday morning. perfect.

"sometimes we don't get what we want right?"

hi, I'm Lee Xia. I get jealous very easily for stupid reasons. I am WAY too sensitive. I feel upset at the smallest things that people normally ignore. I am affected very easily by miniscule things my best friend says. I am used to talking to my best friend on the phone, everyday. not talking properly (whether it's one bad conversation, or no conversations for a few days) makes me unhappy. very unhappy. it makes me feel very lonely. I am however, very understanding and I am quite aware of certain things despite the overreacting aspect in my personality.

there's this feeling I get sometimes. I rarely feel lonely, mind you, whether in the physical sense or otherwise. I am fine with my own company and I'm fine being alone, so this feeling is quite rare. but .. nowadays, it's not so strange anymore. it's this cold feeling of desolation, where my insides just feel empty and suddenly I just feel so so so alone. when this happens, all I really want to do is curl up and feel sorry for myself. and this feeling doesn't disappear overnight, unfortunately. it stays.

remember there was this whole dependent issue. okay remember all the emoooo posts in the middle of the year, around June - August? well HAHA it's not back, so you can uncross your fingers now! but the point is, at that time, it felt like I was pushing this HUGE rock uphill trying to get YuKen to see my point of view. to get him to see how it felt to be the only one needing someone. to feel like the other didn't care and couldn't be bothered whether you were miserable or not. well, THAT feeling is back. & it's been there for the past few days. I've been feeling quite disappointed, upset, lonely and in need of a good talk. I feel like I'm the only one who cares about the 10 days :(

hi, I'm Lee Xia. I miss talking to my best friend very very very much. I miss that feeling of how I can voice out all my miserable problems and issues and not really care about filtering. I miss feeling so relaxed talking about nothing. so, you know what I want from Japan. and scratch what I want for Christmas, can I have it now instead of then?

what if we're like that, and I've been imagining this all the while, just because it's what I want?

what if that happens to us?

yesterday was the last day of school for 2009. did the year go by in a flash? not really. did it go really fast? YES YES YES. I feel like I can remember going through 2009, bits of memories and flashbacks. concert, sports day, Coco Fusion, outings, things like that. yet this year did go by really quickly, and we are now officially SPM students. so here we go, guys :)

didn't do much yesterday except for cleaning up the class and taking photos. went home by train after school and I think this would be my first (and LAST) time ever taking the train on the last day of school before a holiday break. the ticketing counter area was PACKED with Wesley students in uniform, semi uniform and everyday clothes. the train wasn't too bad because we sat in a different carriage HAHA :P a large group got off at Titiwangsa to switch to monorail for Pavilion, another large group got off at Masjid Jamek to get to KLCC. we all occupied the train and it was quite squashed, and then after the KLCC station the train was so quiet and empty!

went home, bathed, ate, and went off to Sogo with mum around 3pm :D went shopping to get Kache's stuff, bought my long-craved-after white belt HO HO HO, bought other stuff. then went to Pavilion and bought slippers/sandals/flats (not sure how to describe them) . it was a very FRUITFUL shopping trip indeed! oh oh and I FOUND THE ZARA SHIRT. bliss. okay I don't remember what happened after that HEHE, reached home at 9pm, online, dinner, packed until 1 plus, went to SLEEEEEP!

"I need you to help me."

"yes? what's up?"

"should I wear a grey shirt and white tie, or white shirt and red tie?"

"hmm grey shirt, white tie."

"grey shirt, white tie it is! phew. most important decision I ever made."

it was NOT a good last day of school :/